Its a sunshine day

Its is December 27th and it is 66 degrees. In Pittsburgh!The sun is shining!Holy Joyfulness!Or, perhaps, holy global warming!

In any event this is a day to celebrate. A day to skip and jump and romp and stomp. I plan on doing all of these at 3:30 when I get off from work.

Stop reading and get outside!

The Visit

Today I visited a nursing home with a group of my co-workers. We do this every year through the Presents for Patients program. You are assigned a patient and given suggestions as to what they might like. My patient wanted snacks, cookies, peppermints, powder and a brush.

One of the patients had recently passed, another refused the gift for reasons that were unclear to us. A few others were only vaguely aware of what we were doing. My patient was an exception. Mardean, that's her name, was so incredibly grateful for those small gifts. Her eyes lit up. She held the pair of socks like they were gold. My voice cracked as I said Merry Christmas. I was so overwhelmed by her gratitude. And embarrassed by the "troubles" that concerned me earlier in the day.

Christmas gifts don't get any better than that.

I am C, I am C-H ....

I consider myself to be a Christian. Maybe not in "religious" sense but am I a follower of Christ -- you bet.

I was raised Catholic and was pretty devout. Now I rarely go to church but when I do I still know every move. I love the ritual of church not because I think it necessarily signifies anything but because I think its a beautiful ceremony. That said, all of this is totally separate from the fact that I consider myself to be a Christian.

At work a group of us have been doing "Presents for Patients" for the past 4 years.Its a program that assigns you to a patient in a nursing home. You get them a present and deliver it. A simple act of kindness.Some of the people have dropped out this year stating that it is too much.In other words , they can't be bothered. Meanwhile they are still running around getting stuff for family and friends. I find this to be astonishing. I told Bill that if it came down to the fact that I could buy a gift for him or the patient, the patient would win hands down. Isn't that what Jesus would do? Aren't we supposed to embrace those who are most unembraceable ? Those who are neglected and pushed aside? Those who are the least like us?

These simple concepts inform my views on a full host of social issues including the death penalty and abortion. I do not include "gay marriage" here because I do not view love between two men or two women as different than the love between myself and Bill. But for those who do, and consider themselves to be Christian, why would they not do as their Christ commanded?

I will get off my soapbox now because I think that's what he would do.

Withdrawl

For the second day in a row I am unable to check my email here at work. We can't figure out why. We don't appear to be blocked by administration. No "access denied" message. I called AOL. No answers there either.

Of course I can check my mail when I go home but I have become so accustomed to checking it here. I feel like a junkie. Now I have to wait 3 more hours to find out all the updates on my friends' lives. This is unacceptable!

My friend, Caroline, and I were talking about this very thing a few weeks ago. How do people get through the day without checking mail (and then checking it again!)?

I could write more but I have to check if I have access yet.

John Lennon

Today marks the 28 anniversary of John Lennon's death. Part of me still holds onto the hope that its not true.

The Beatles, particularly John, Kept me sane during High School. He"got" me or did I "get" him. I, too, was a proud outsider who wanted to fit in. Speaking of peace while feeling rage made total sense. "Jealous Guy"? You bet. "Imagine" and "Working Class Hero" were my ying and yang. He was light hearted despite the weight of the world that rested on his shoulders.He was brilliant, yet tremendously flawed. Wasn't that me?

I often wonder what he would think of the world today. The music, the culture, the politics.His voice is sorely missed.

Damn you John for leaving us. Thank you for never being gone.

A slow day

I am bored silly here at work but, given my state of mind, its better than being frantically busy. In honor of the boredom here are some more random tidbits 'bout me:

I love to walk.

Two of my favorite lines from the movies are:
"Tell 'em the pervert's back" -- Woody Harrelson (as Larry Flint) in "The People v Larry Flint"
"You have no idea" -- Jeremy Irons as Claus von Bulow in "Reversal Of Fortune" (after being told that he was "a very strange man")

I have no children.

I have never smoked -- anything.

I am an Aries -- and it suits me.

I have a very hard time saying "no".

People have told me (and Bill) that I am exotic-looking. Wonder what that's code for?

Perfectly ordinary

Nothing much to say here. Just wanted to report that I had a perfectly ordinary, but nice day.

We went to breakfast/lunch at IHOP. Holy cow that's a lot of food. Oh so yummy! Pancakes (with oats, walnuts and almonds), cheddared-up eggs, home fries and all the coffee I could swallow.

After we (make that I ) did a little grocery shopping, I came home and took a nap. In the middle of the day! Sweet!

And now I am watching Rudolph. Sigh.

Like I said, "perfectly" ordinary.

100 years ago today

Today would have been my maternal grandmother's 100th birthday. For some reason she always celebrated it on the 2nd.

She was a remarkable woman and I miss her 23 years after her passing. I grew up in her house and it helped shape me in ways that I can't count.

She came here from Italy (Calabria, to be precise)when she was 3. Her parents struggled and she had to leave school after the 5th grade to help out at home.

She was married at 15 to a man she barely knew. 3 "dates" and then the wedding. It was arranged. He was 15 years her senior. Their wedding photo is my most prized possession.

She suffered 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. Her next child, a girl. lived a few hours. Then she had 6 children, 3 boys and 3 girls.

My grandfather was killed in an accident while working on the railroad behind their house. She was only 37 years old. Back then social services were not what they are today. She did what she needed to survive and raise her family. She "wrote numbers". It kept the family alive and then some.

She had her share of troubles with some of the children. But she never complained.

She was the best cook and baker in the entire world.

And she loved me unlike anyone else ever has. She thought I hung the moon. And the stars.

I owe her so much and I hope one day to live up to her legacy and to honor her with my life.

Until then, thank you Carmella Vaccaro Vecchio.

Most wonderful time of the year?

The holiday season is upon us. Actually according to the stores, it began about 5 weeks ago.

Each year I become more and more disappointed. My grandmother passed away almost 23 years ago but the feeling of loss becomes more acute each Christmas. I miss the smell of the fishes and the anise. I miss the Torrone, which, by the way, I hate to this very day. I miss my Uncle Gerald, too. His simple view of what Christmas should be has spoiled me. I had the best childhood Christmases. Very few of my favorite memories have anything to do with presents.Co-workers, and some friends, think I am lying when I say that I really don't care if I "get" anything.I don't understand this mad rush to get "things" or the desire to receive them

Which brings me to the real source of my disappointment. Christmas has become shallow and, as we learned today, deadly. A Walmart employee was killed when the throngs literally broke down the door. Can you imagine getting the news that your loved one died because people were stampeding to fill their carts to the brim with cheap, made in China, impersonal crap? Do the stampeders know what happened? Or care? As little Dylan tears through one unappreciated gift after the next will there be any thought as to what they cost?

Is the good new that it can't possibly get any worse?

Patience

I am waiting for Bill.(For those of you who might not know, Bill is my husband.) I am not a good waiter. I am extremely impatient. Especially when I have something to do.Right now the something is meeting my friend Caroline.

I am disappointed in myself for being impatient this time. Earlier, I heard a news story that reminded me that patience is,indeed a virtue. Apparently "lay-away" is making a comeback. I didn't realize it had gone away. But it makes sense that it did. We live in a society that wants everything right now. Credit cards have allowed us to be impatient, and reckless. With lay-away you have to wait.And decide if you want something enough to wait for it

Lay-away was the way my mom bought my clothes as a kid. I hated it! But looking back on it, I realize how much more that stuff meant when I finally got it. Maybe a new generation will learn that lesson. If anything good is to come out the current economic crisis maybe this is it.

Now if I could only get Bill to hurry up!

Sigh

I consider myself to be a happy person. In general, I am lighthearted and can usually find something to laugh about in just any situation. I was a happy baby,and child, even though there was chaos all around me. But lately things are different....

I recently went through a very tough financial situation. The rug was pulled out from underneath me. And I felt a fear and hopelessness that I had never experienced. By karmic intervention we were able to right things .. somewhat. For a few weeks I felt secure and happier than I had in a long time. But then the fear came back. (I have come to find out that it is somewhat justified.) I can't seem to brush this one off. Is it because I am older? I am a more jaded? Where has my optimism gone?

More than anything I miss the hopefulness of youth. When anything seemed possible. I feel flashes of it now but only when I hear an old song and I remember. But 3 minutes of hope is not enough.

Tidbits 'bout Rain

I am not quite 5'. 4'11 1/2" to be precise.

I am married to someone who is my polar opposite in many ways.

I love Whole Foods Ice Cream sandwiches.

My favorite color is green.

I grew up in a small town and loved it.

I am much happier when its sunny.

I am angry that Proposition 8 was passed.

Diamonds hold no thrill for me.

Nature soothes me.

I have never been skiing.

Back at work

This is why I hate having time off. Coming back is so hard. I am actually experiencing chest, and back, pains. Not heart attack type pains. Its like I can't breath.

Its not that the job is horrendous. But I can do it in my sleep. I like my coworkers. I even like the people I deal with - for the most part. I have met people whom I now consider friends. I laugh at least once a day. I would miss the interaction if I left.

But its not worth feeling trapped.

My Breakfast with Beth and Cyndi

This morning I had breakfast with 2 of my oldest friends.

I have known Beth since I was very young. We became friends in 4th grade. Cyndi was a little later. I was in Beth's wedding and she was in mine. We saw each other all the time, even in college. After that, we met for dinner on a weekly basis. It was unspoken that we would always be close.

Then I screwed up. It was a time in my life when I was very confused about a lot of things. I was afraid she wouldn't understand what I was going through and I shut her out. I would find reasons not to meet her. Wouldn't return calls or , when I did , call when I knew she wouldn't be there. Once I got it together, I thought too much time had passed and I was embarrassed. We sent holiday greetings, but that was it. I missed the birth of her 2 youngest children. Neither of us knew about all the friend type things - deaths, job changes, health concerns,all sorts of other events, good and bad. A lot happens in 10 years.

I finally got up the nerve to email her. To take that first step. After several weeks of emailing
we were able to meet. I know the relationship will never be the same. But nothing stays the same does it? Even if I hadn't been such a fool our relationship would have changed. I think I have a second chance and I am not gong to blow it.

Not as easy as I thought

This is harder than I thought it would be.

Before I started, I thought words would just come spilling. My fingers would just be flying across the keyboard and deep thoughts would appear on the screen.

Whats stopping me is , in part, my fear of what others (guess that would be you, dear reader) will think. This, too, like my letting things go, is an on going problem. In many ways I have not card about what people think. I married someone outside my own race. I kept my "maiden" name. I often act like a fool in public. But when it comes to letting my opinion be known I freeze. Same thing when it comes to "tooting my own horn". Am I smart enough? Interesting and capable enough? These are the thoughts that plague me.

Hopefully creative expression and therapy are not mutually exclusive.

Creating Order

We got a notice yesterday that the building manager and maintenance person will be around to do a safety/structural inspection. Of course our place is a mess. Nothing new there.

Its a pattern with me. I let things go. Really let them go. Then some outside event happens and I am forced to try to get it together. But by that point its a struggle to get back to barely passing. What causes this? I am not a lazy person. I can be extremely disciplined.Hell, I went to Law School and graduated while working and living in total dysfunction. It just seems that the real world confounds and paralyzes me.

My hope is that this space will help me create order in my thoughts. As a person thinks ...

What's in a name

It was the first thought that came to me when I decided to do this.

For one thing, its what "I" think. Not what "you" think. Obvious enough.

More importantly, its about how I (nor anyone else for that matter)am not what you think I am. I hate when people think they know me based upon my vote, my spouse, my job, my education, my hometown, my gender, my orientation, my party affiliation, my appearance. You get the point.

1st Time

I have been thinking of doing this for a while. I have lots in my head and I need to let it out. Not sure if its fit for public consumption. Be kind...