Most wonderful time of the year?

The holiday season is upon us. Actually according to the stores, it began about 5 weeks ago.

Each year I become more and more disappointed. My grandmother passed away almost 23 years ago but the feeling of loss becomes more acute each Christmas. I miss the smell of the fishes and the anise. I miss the Torrone, which, by the way, I hate to this very day. I miss my Uncle Gerald, too. His simple view of what Christmas should be has spoiled me. I had the best childhood Christmases. Very few of my favorite memories have anything to do with presents.Co-workers, and some friends, think I am lying when I say that I really don't care if I "get" anything.I don't understand this mad rush to get "things" or the desire to receive them

Which brings me to the real source of my disappointment. Christmas has become shallow and, as we learned today, deadly. A Walmart employee was killed when the throngs literally broke down the door. Can you imagine getting the news that your loved one died because people were stampeding to fill their carts to the brim with cheap, made in China, impersonal crap? Do the stampeders know what happened? Or care? As little Dylan tears through one unappreciated gift after the next will there be any thought as to what they cost?

Is the good new that it can't possibly get any worse?

Patience

I am waiting for Bill.(For those of you who might not know, Bill is my husband.) I am not a good waiter. I am extremely impatient. Especially when I have something to do.Right now the something is meeting my friend Caroline.

I am disappointed in myself for being impatient this time. Earlier, I heard a news story that reminded me that patience is,indeed a virtue. Apparently "lay-away" is making a comeback. I didn't realize it had gone away. But it makes sense that it did. We live in a society that wants everything right now. Credit cards have allowed us to be impatient, and reckless. With lay-away you have to wait.And decide if you want something enough to wait for it

Lay-away was the way my mom bought my clothes as a kid. I hated it! But looking back on it, I realize how much more that stuff meant when I finally got it. Maybe a new generation will learn that lesson. If anything good is to come out the current economic crisis maybe this is it.

Now if I could only get Bill to hurry up!

Sigh

I consider myself to be a happy person. In general, I am lighthearted and can usually find something to laugh about in just any situation. I was a happy baby,and child, even though there was chaos all around me. But lately things are different....

I recently went through a very tough financial situation. The rug was pulled out from underneath me. And I felt a fear and hopelessness that I had never experienced. By karmic intervention we were able to right things .. somewhat. For a few weeks I felt secure and happier than I had in a long time. But then the fear came back. (I have come to find out that it is somewhat justified.) I can't seem to brush this one off. Is it because I am older? I am a more jaded? Where has my optimism gone?

More than anything I miss the hopefulness of youth. When anything seemed possible. I feel flashes of it now but only when I hear an old song and I remember. But 3 minutes of hope is not enough.

Tidbits 'bout Rain

I am not quite 5'. 4'11 1/2" to be precise.

I am married to someone who is my polar opposite in many ways.

I love Whole Foods Ice Cream sandwiches.

My favorite color is green.

I grew up in a small town and loved it.

I am much happier when its sunny.

I am angry that Proposition 8 was passed.

Diamonds hold no thrill for me.

Nature soothes me.

I have never been skiing.

Back at work

This is why I hate having time off. Coming back is so hard. I am actually experiencing chest, and back, pains. Not heart attack type pains. Its like I can't breath.

Its not that the job is horrendous. But I can do it in my sleep. I like my coworkers. I even like the people I deal with - for the most part. I have met people whom I now consider friends. I laugh at least once a day. I would miss the interaction if I left.

But its not worth feeling trapped.

My Breakfast with Beth and Cyndi

This morning I had breakfast with 2 of my oldest friends.

I have known Beth since I was very young. We became friends in 4th grade. Cyndi was a little later. I was in Beth's wedding and she was in mine. We saw each other all the time, even in college. After that, we met for dinner on a weekly basis. It was unspoken that we would always be close.

Then I screwed up. It was a time in my life when I was very confused about a lot of things. I was afraid she wouldn't understand what I was going through and I shut her out. I would find reasons not to meet her. Wouldn't return calls or , when I did , call when I knew she wouldn't be there. Once I got it together, I thought too much time had passed and I was embarrassed. We sent holiday greetings, but that was it. I missed the birth of her 2 youngest children. Neither of us knew about all the friend type things - deaths, job changes, health concerns,all sorts of other events, good and bad. A lot happens in 10 years.

I finally got up the nerve to email her. To take that first step. After several weeks of emailing
we were able to meet. I know the relationship will never be the same. But nothing stays the same does it? Even if I hadn't been such a fool our relationship would have changed. I think I have a second chance and I am not gong to blow it.

Not as easy as I thought

This is harder than I thought it would be.

Before I started, I thought words would just come spilling. My fingers would just be flying across the keyboard and deep thoughts would appear on the screen.

Whats stopping me is , in part, my fear of what others (guess that would be you, dear reader) will think. This, too, like my letting things go, is an on going problem. In many ways I have not card about what people think. I married someone outside my own race. I kept my "maiden" name. I often act like a fool in public. But when it comes to letting my opinion be known I freeze. Same thing when it comes to "tooting my own horn". Am I smart enough? Interesting and capable enough? These are the thoughts that plague me.

Hopefully creative expression and therapy are not mutually exclusive.

Creating Order

We got a notice yesterday that the building manager and maintenance person will be around to do a safety/structural inspection. Of course our place is a mess. Nothing new there.

Its a pattern with me. I let things go. Really let them go. Then some outside event happens and I am forced to try to get it together. But by that point its a struggle to get back to barely passing. What causes this? I am not a lazy person. I can be extremely disciplined.Hell, I went to Law School and graduated while working and living in total dysfunction. It just seems that the real world confounds and paralyzes me.

My hope is that this space will help me create order in my thoughts. As a person thinks ...

What's in a name

It was the first thought that came to me when I decided to do this.

For one thing, its what "I" think. Not what "you" think. Obvious enough.

More importantly, its about how I (nor anyone else for that matter)am not what you think I am. I hate when people think they know me based upon my vote, my spouse, my job, my education, my hometown, my gender, my orientation, my party affiliation, my appearance. You get the point.

1st Time

I have been thinking of doing this for a while. I have lots in my head and I need to let it out. Not sure if its fit for public consumption. Be kind...